Chuck Vs The Torture
by SweSlash
Summary: A traumatic event starts off a chain of events that changes everything in Chuck's life. Nothing will ever be the same. Chuck/Casey Slash. Multi-chaptered.
1. Chapter 1

"_Whack_!"

With a sickening sound, the whip moved through the air, hitting its target dead on.

Flesh ripped, skin curled and blood trickled steadily to the concrete floor, painting the grey surface below.

Not a sound was heard, absolute silence throughout the abandoned building.

Chuck thought he would pass out soon, he couldn't take it much more. He'd already told him about him being the Intersect. Yet the torture continued with no end in sight. Why?

He opened his eyes and looked at the scene in the building. Sara was tied up next to him, doing her very best to brake free and Casey….Casey…. That was the most painful thing to watch.

Casey was being held up between two poles, tied to his wrists with thick chains that were old and rusty. Blood seeped through the tearings in his skin, involuntary muscle spasms jerked his body and he was barely standing up, weak from pain and blood loss.

And then there's the "bad guy", a fulcrum agent known as Marcus, with a fetish for torture, letting his whip crack every few minutes just for the fun of it. Chuck could see Sara fighting with her restraints, tearing at the ropes until her wrists was chafed.

"Just you keep fighting darlin'……" Marcus thick southern accent was filled with mockery.

"I'll get to you in a minute sweetheart. I just want old Johnny boy to get a taste of his own medicine, remember Johnny?!"

That statement made Chuck feel lightheaded and he was rewarded with a flash from the past. Apparently, Casey had caught Marcus during a mission and given him one hell of a beating. Casey's weapon of choise?

An electric high power cable, rendering Marcus with scars visible from outer space. Casey had been decorated once again and Marcus had been thrown into a maximum security facility. Obviously he had gotten out, unbeknownst to Casey.

Chuck shook his head and was taken back to reality when he heard the whip slash through the air again. He turned away, not able to keep looking as Marcus kept torturing Casey.

"please…..please….." Chuck started chanting slowly to himself. He was starting to feel desperate and very light headed. All that blood coming from Casey's body made him feel queasy, to say the least.

"_WHACK_!"

Marcus had let the whip work again, keeping up the pace with a smirk on his face.

And still no sound from Casey. This time he slumped even more, it was then Chuck realized that it was just the restraints that was holding him up. Maybe he'd fainted, or…..Chuck accelerated into to full panic mode.

"CASEY!! CASEY, WAKE UP!!" Chuck screamed, desperately trying to get a reaction from the immobilized NSA-agent.

"Awwwh!" Do you wanna help your friend, boy?" Adam smiled at Chuck, laughed when he kept shouting Casey's name.

"He's not going anywhere….and neither are you…."

Chuck stopped screaming at Casey, temporarily realizing the uselessness of shouting at someone who was probably….dead…… Tears started streaming down his face, this situation was beyond anything he was able to handle.. He just wanted out, away from this awful place and he wanted desperately for Casey to be alive. He had to help Casey somehow, he owed it to him. Even if it was Casey's job to protect Chuck, he still felt in debt Casey.

But what could he do? His mind raced, looking across the building, at Sara who was doing her very best to get free of her restraints and at Casey's limp form, still accepting the occasional crack of the whip.

"HEY! Yes, you! You evil fulcrum guy!" Chuck couldn't believe what he had just said as Marcus turned to face him.

"Chuck, NO!" Sara begged him to be quiet but his mind had a will of its own.

"Take me instead, you….you coward! That's right, I called you a coward, I'm not sure why, but I said it!" He would've sounded at least a bit more convincing if his voice hadn't cracked halfway through the sentence.

Chuck kept talking, hoping that it would take Marcus' focus of Casey, and it worked. Marcus moved up to face Chuck and he kept babbling as if his life depended on it. Inside he was panicking, wondering what the hell he was doing. It always seemed so brave in whatever movie this happened in, in real life though, not so cool…..

"Listen here, boy….I've got no problems with torturing the three of you until dawn, just for the fun of it… And don't think you're getting away with it, because of that brain of yours. That's all I need, just your brain, I don't have to be all that careful with your body….."

A sickingly sweet smile spread across his face, a smile that made Chucks stomach turn.

"Oh…" Chuck felt a sudden urge to pass out.

"NO! Take me, Marcus! " Sara shouted, desperation obvious in her voice.

"NO! No, no, no don't listen to her! Take me" Chuck had no idea why he had just said that.

"Easy folks… There's plenty of me to go around!" Marcus laughed and went over to stroke Sara's cheek.

"You will both get your turn, but I think I´ll start with you….boy…..Leave the ladies for last"

Marcus smiled and went to stand behind Chuck, keeping a gun to his back. He slowly loosened Chuck's restraints and so he was free. Free to be tortured. And he was too scared to try anything brave; Casey would've ambushed the guy, boldly fighting over the gun, but not Chuck….

Marcus pushed him forward and they walked slowly until they reached Casey.

"Sit down." Marcus ordered.

"What?" Chucks brain didn't register the words; he was too focused on Casey.

"SIT DOWN! And if you move, I´ll shoot Johnny boy….."

Chuck slumped down, getting a better view of Casey from this angle and it wasn't a pretty sight. It looked like there was hardly any skin left on his back, and the whip had reached both his neck and face. Casey's face was drained from all color, his mouth hung open and dried sweat and dirt covered every inch of his body.

Tears returned to Chucks eyes, clouding his vision, Marcus cut Casey loose and he landed on the floor with at loud thud. Not a sound, not a movement came from him and Chuck let go of the small amount of hope he'd kept of Casey being alive.

Marcus dragged Casey aside, giving him a few kicks as he dumped him beside Chuck.

Chuck reached over and stroked Casey's cheek.

"Casey? Please be alive, please, please….."

Chuck was yanked away from Casey and dragged towards the chains, getting fastened sooner then he thought possible.

" Be happy, boy! Isn't this what you wanted? You've "saved" Johnny boy and your girl….for now that is…..! " Marcus had leaned in, whispering in Chucks ear.

"No, no! This is not what I wanted! No, I wanna get out of here, going home, getting a nice breakfast, I wanna be everywhere but here!" Chucks ramblings were cut of with a powerful blow to his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He tried to catch his breath but the pain made it hard, not to mention the fact that he had his hands tied up in opposite directions.

"Now….Intersect…." Marcus pronounced every syllable carefully, whispering in his ear.

"Let's see what you're made of."

"Please, Marcus right? Don't do this, ok? I'm not….just don't….please let us leave….."Chuck begged.

He then felt his shirt being ripped apart from behind, revealing his back and he gasped from chock.

"Please don't do this, Marcus? Please, don't hurt me, please….." Chuck knew he sounded pathetic, but he didn't care, he was absolutely terrified.

Chuck could here Marcus back away from him, and somewhere in the distance he could here Sara shouting. He felt his body started to shake, not able to control it Chuck closed his eyes.

Suddenly, a bright white flash shot through his conscience. The pain shot through his body like nothing he had never felt before. He wasn't able to make a sound; it felt like the pain would never end. No wonder Casey hadn't screamed. It had hurt too much.

Chuck could hear Sara scream, before it suddenly stopped… Sara went quiet and he could only hear his own breathing and Marcus footsteps, circling him….

"Don't you like it, Chuck?" Marcus lifted his chin and smiled, a big smile, seeming content.

Chuck felt like he was unable to answer, he thought, or hoped, that he soon would pass out from the pain.

"…..please….." Chuck managed to whisper.

"…please, don´t do his….please stop….." Chuck said through the tears streaking his face.

"Why Chuck? Why shouldn't I? This is my reward for chasing you and your team of keepers halfway across the globe? If your precious major Casey had told me the truth instead of keeping his mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened. " Marcus looked annoyed and yanked Chucks chains.

"…please Marcus, just don't……" Chuck kept begging, it hurt so much, one more whip and he would join Casey on the floor.

"Don't what Chuck? Don't use this?" Marcus waved the whip in front of Chuck, mocking him.

"Ok Chuck, I won't use the whip…."

Chuck sighed deeply, even though an evil voice inside his head told him this wasn't the end.

"I'll just use these instead…." Marcus smiled wickedly, and held up a couple of jumper cables attached to a battery.

Chuck froze.

Marcus leaned forward with the cables in his hands, Chuck tried to squirm away as the contact plates came closer. Marcus placed the metal endings against Chuck's abdomen and Chuck screamed at the top of his lungs.

Marcus lifted the cables and looked at Chuck.

"You pathetic excuse of a man….." Marcus kept mocking him, still with a sly smile on his lips.

"…….just kill me…..please…..!" Chuck begged.

"No, that won't work, now will it Chuck? I just want that brain of yours, remember?"

Marcus leaned forward once more, preparing to shock Chuck again.

"BANG!"

A loud gunshot echoed through the building and Chucks eyes flew opened. Marcus was on the floor, writhering in pain as another shot was heard. Marcus took a direct hit, both his knees shot to hell.

Chuck scanned the surroundings, trying to find the source of the gunshots and that's when his heart almost stopped.


	2. Chapter 2

John Casey was lying on the floor with a shotgun in his hand. Chuck could barely see his face but he would never forget those eyes. Eyes burning with hate as he slowly rose and limped over to Marcus who was still on the floor, screaming in pain.

"Oh, my god! Casey!!!! Are you ok?!" Chuck shouted, trying to get a reaction from the bleeding agent who slowly made his way towards Marcus. Casey ignored Chuck and went over to their torturer.

Chuck knew instinctively what was about to happen and he felt a cold chill pass through his body.

"Casey! No, don´t do it! Casey!!! Listen to me, you don't have to do this, you can send him to some underground bunker instead, Casey don´t!"

Casey, still ignoring Chuck, placed himself next to Marcus and chugged the gun, putting a new round into the still smoking pipe.

"Chuck."

Casey had turned towards him and gave him a stern look.

"Chuck, close your eyes."

"What? Casey no! I won…"

"CHUCK!!" Casey's voice lacked its normal forcefulness and he swayed were he stood.

"Chuck, please close your eyes."

Chuck dared not, not comply and he turned his head.

"_BANG_!"

Chuck jumped at the sound of the gun, feeling the shockwave as the weapon was fired close to him.

"Chuck…." Casey's voice was weak, barely audible as he spoke.

Chuck opened his eyes and immediately felt sick to his stomach looking at the sight before him. Marcus was laying on the ground, dead, with a look of horror, permanently etched on his face. Casey had shot him through the chest, a big gaping hole had replaced where his heart would've been.

Casey had knelt beside Marcus, the recoil had brought his broken body to its knees.

"Oh my god…my god….Casey…Casey! Are you all right?"

Concern colored his voice as he shook his restraints, desperate to get free and somehow help Casey.

Casey rose from the ground, slowly and with much effort, he left all of his training of concealing his pain aside, it was just Chuck watching him.

Casey dragged himself over to Chuck and even though it was a small distance to cover, it took Casey longer than he thought with pain coursing through his body.

Chuck felt so sad, watching the normally so proud and strong man being rippled with obvious pain and yet….Yet he kept going.

Casey then reached over and released him from his restraints. Immediately after Chuck had taken his hands down, the pain came rushing back. Chuck fell to the floor, the big lash on his back burning, blood slowly leaking down his back.

"Chuck! Are you ok?" Casey grabbed him carefully by the shoulders and tried to keep him steady as the younger man tried to squirm out of his own skin.

It took him a while, then Chuck slowly opened his eyes, meeting Casey's worried gaze. And then he saw the tearings on Casey's face and neck, saw with a blunt obviousness that Casey had been subjected to so much worse torture the he had, feeling ashamed and regretful for his reaction. He was such a wimp, falling down, whining about one cut on his back when Casey had received at least ten lashes, if not more….

"Listen, Casey…We need to go get help, ok? I´ll try to get out of here, see if I can stop a car or whatever"

"No need, my phone is in Marcus' pocket, I'll get it and call for assistance" Casey sounded so tired and no wonder, his normally sun kissed skin had started to look like Chucks pale excuse of a tan.

Casey made a move to get up as Chuck put a hand on his not so bruised shoulder, earning a confused look from the wounded agent.

"No, Casey, you're not moving, ok? I'll get it, just stay here, ok?"

Casey didn't have the energy to argue; he just nodded and slumped down on the ground, barely able to sit up.

Chuck made his way over to Marcus, wincing as his back hurt and his stomach burned like fire. But he tried not to complain aloud, knowing Casey's pain outnumbered him easily.

Not that he spent time with corpses every day, but somehow rummaging around in a dead guys pocket didn't bother him as much as he'd thought it would have. Eventually he found the cell and headed back to Casey.

"Here it is, Casey! Call…your people at…wherever that place is! Casey? Casey?!"

Casey had become unconscious, he was barely breathing as far as Chuck could see.

"Casey! Come on, I don't know how to call, or _who _to call! Please Casey wake up….." Chuck's begging was to no avail as he received no answer from the still bleeding NSA-agent.

"Ok, think Chuck, think….It's just a cell phone, you know how to do this, just open the phonebook and find…something…" Chuck rambled to himself, not making any sense out of Casey's phonebook, it was obviously encrypted, making it impossible to understand any of the letter combinations Casey had programmed.

He stopped his flipping through the address book when he came across the letters "BQN".

"Bqn…? Why does that sound familiar….?B….q….n…..? OH, oh, oh!! I know, I know, Casey I´m gonna get us out of here!"

Chuck hit the call button, waiting….

"Major Casey?"

Chuck made a sigh of relief as General Beckman answered.

"Thank god, it's you general! Look, we need help, Casey has been tortured and he's really not feeling well, we need help to make him better, could you help us please?"

", is that you? Where are you and why are you calling me on this line?"

"Yes, mrs general, it's me and Casey is passed out, I think he might be…dead soon. I just picked up his phone, please just help!.....help us!" Chuck almost screamed out the last few words, his fatigue and worry over Casey's health finally catching up with him. He lied down on the ground close to Casey's limp body, tears freely flowing now.

"…..please help him…..please general…"

"Stay where you are, mr Bartowski, I'll send help immediately. Stay on the line until help arrives. Mr Bartowski, are you all right?"

Chuck sobbed quietly, looking at Casey.

"I'm ok, but general, I don't think Casey I ok, he's bleeding so….so very much and his skin is almost gone…..and …… please just help……"

"Mr. Bartowski, Major Casey is one of the strongest agents we have, don't worry about him right now. Are you alone? "

"Yes, we're alone, now….Casey shot him and now he's dead and…" Chuck couldn't force his words anymore, he fell quiet.

"That's ok, Mr. Bartowski, just keep yourself safe until help arrives, ok?"

Chuck didn't answer, he just crawled in close to Casey, wrapping his arms carefully around him, Chucks way of keeping him warm, hoping help would arrive soon..

The last thing Chuck heard before the stress and fatigue overtook him was the familiar sound of helicopters landing and combat boots jogging into the building.

Then everything went black…..

Chuck opened his eyes carefully, blinking at the bright lights above. He found himself in some sort of hospital environment, but the surroundings were quiet and no one moved in the hallways outside the room he was in.

An occasional beep broke through the silence and Chuck turned to see where the sound was coming from.

"Casey!" Chucks heart almost leaped out of his chest, seeing Casey in the hospital bed next to him with all sorts of machines connected to his body.

Chuck lifted himself of the bed and took his IV with him as he walked with careful steps over the cold stone floor. He felt pretty ok, a bit oozy, there was probably something against the pain in his IV making him comfortable.

Casey appeared to be sound asleep, Chuck thanked his lucky stars that he was alive, the machines surrounding them did their best to reassure him that that was the case, by beeping out of tune of each other.

"Casey… He whispered to himself, leaning forward, placing a hand on the sleeping agents forearm.

"He's sedated, Mr Bartowski" A female voice made Chuck spin around, instantly getting himself trapped in the tube feeding him the IV.

"Hi…! And you are…?" Chuck looked at the middle aged woman in front of him, she looked a lot like general Beckman, except for a better haircut.

"I'm Dr. Jennings, Mr. Bartowski and I would like for you to return to your bed, now."

Chuck did as he was told, easing his way across the floor and slumping down on his bead.

"I'm sorry, dr Jennings was it? I was wondering how Casey was doing, how is he?"

"Agent Casey is stabilized for now, but he has sustained quite a trauma to his physique, but he's strong Mr. Bartowski, I'm hoping he'll pull through."

"Hoping? Is there a risk that he'll…..you know?"

She eyed Chuck carefully, looking directly at the young man and nodded.

Chuck wasn't able to respond, he felt a chill pass through his body, making him shudder.

"Mr. Bartowski, we'll do everything in our power to help agent Casey, he's most valuable to us, but you need to think about your own health right now, ok?"

"But he saved my life, that guy almost killed me and Sarah…." Chucks mind raced, trying to remember what had happened to Sarah.

"Agent Walker is fine, Mr. Bartowski, she is waiting to pick you up and return you to your family." Chuck let out a sigh of relief and felt a sting of guilt for not thinking of Sarah.

"You're returning home today, the cover being that you've been in a car crash whilst you and agent Walker were returning home from your weekend holiday. Be careful not to let your family see your back, your wounds are hard to explain with just a crash. Agent Walker has been instructed how to change your bandages as you won't be able to do it yourself"

Chuck tried to wrap his mind around all the instructions she was feeding him, but it proved hard, the drugs affecting him more then he thought.

"But what about Casey? Is there some way to know if he's ok or visit…or just something….." Chuck felt himself being scrutinized by the female doctor, ducking from her gaze.

"No, there is not I'm afraid. You are currently in a maximum security government hospital, not localized on any maps or registered in any phonebook. If something were to happen to agent Casey, I'm sure the NSA would appoint a new agent to assist you, Mr. Bartowski,"

Chuck felt like he had just had the wind knocked out of him, he didn't want some other agent, he wanted Casey to be there, he'd always felt so safe with him around.

"Ok, I'm sorry doctor,,,,but that's not good enough for me, ok? I'm not some robot agent with zero baggage in the emotional department, ok?" Chuck couldn't believe the coldness sorrounding the doctor, did she care about anything?

"Can I leave now, please? " He glared at the doctor filling his voice with venom. returned his gaze with no emotion and nodded.

A few minutes later, Chuck had gotten dressed and was ready to leave. He asked Sarah to wait outside for a minute as he walked over to Casey's bed.

He leaned in close to Casey's ear and whispered slowly.

"Get better……ok, Casey? I need you, please come find me when you're better."

Against all better judgment Chuck gave Casey a small, chaste kiss on the cheek, feeling his eyes tearing up as he did.

"Goodbye, Casey.."

Chuck dried his eyes on his sleeve and walked out of the room, not able to look back.


	3. Chapter 3

Two months had passed since they had been captured, two months of mental torture for Chuck. Not only did he have constant and downright frightening nightmares, he'd spent the last two months worrying about Casey.

Apparently the NSA thought it best not to let Chuck or Sarah know anything about Casey's condition, not even if he was dead or alive. General Beckman had told Chuck not to worry, no one was going to get close to the Intersect and Chuck had in turn told her that that wasn't the case; he just wanted to know about Casey, he didn't care about his own safety at this point.

All this mental stress had begun to take its toll on Chuck, wearing him down. Everyone around him had started to notice, the usually cheery nerd-herder had started to change, becoming more cut off, occasionally snapping at Morgan or even at Ellie.

Chuck felt himself getting detached from the world around him, all of his thoughts returning to Casey and what had happened. Could he have done something different to prevent Casey from getting hurt or at least not to that extent? Deep down he knew that wasn't true, but he was so dark and deep down that every thought he had was laced with black.

He never even questioned the fact that he felt something other than friendship towards Casey, instead he blamed himself for not pursuing it whilst Casey was still here… His depressed psyche wouldn't allow him to think about the happy times that could've been, the love they could've shared, he just wallowed in grief…

He'd never known that he had these feelings for Casey, these hopeless, unanswered feelings that consumed his mind, day and night, not leaving anything for the rest of the world.

Sarah saw the changes and was concerned about Chuck detaching himself and she tried her very best to try and get some news about Casey's condition, but to no avail. She was met with a wall of silence, pretty much the same wall she met when speaking, or at least trying, to speak with Chuck. He'd really closed in on himself, not speaking to anyone more than necessary. No more snappy comments or happy smiles when meeting people in his surroundings. A direct consequence to this was of course that Chuck had pretty much no interest in joining Sarah on stakeouts or whatever, just mechanically relaying the information the Intersect gave him.

Late one night, Sarah and Chuck were heading home after they had retrieved a missing memory stick packed with secret pentagon information. Chuck had stayed in the car, for the very first time, not caring enough to follow Sarah inside. He'd watched as Sarah had shot two of the men down, just right outside the car, and he didn't move a muscle. Sara had looked at him with confusion before jumping in to the driver's seat.

"Chuck, would you please just talk to me? I know you're not feeling well, but it's not healthy keeping all of it bottled up inside of you, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Sarah, I'm just not in the mood for therapy right now" Chuck looked out the window, hoping that their conversation would die out on its own.

"Chuck, I'm just trying to help, ok? How about we go your place and just talk, no strings attached. A nice quiet evening, you don't have to do anything."

Chuck sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"Sara, please just take me home, I wanna sleep, I'm exhausted."

"That's all you ever do Chuck! Sleep and mope around, what's wrong with you?! When I shot those guys tonight, you didn't even flinch and you used to get upset every time I or Casey had to take someone out, and now it's like you don't even care"

Chucked felt his heart skip a beat at the mentioning of Casey's name, hurt spreading itself through his body like a poison.

"Chuck!? Are you even listening to me? Chuck, you need to get over the fact that what has happened did happen, and you have to accept that Casey is not coming back! The sooner you realize that he's gone the better…"

Sarah's words hit him like a cold shower, making him shiver, sinking even further down in his own despair.

"…..maybe….." Chuck whispered.

"….maybe I'm becoming a "real" agent, all cold and heartless, I just don't care…" Chuck stared straight ahead as the road winded in front of the car.

"Chuck, please don't? There's no need for you to be cold, I'm taking care of you, just trust me ok?"

Chuck didn't have the strength to answer and they continued their journey in silence, Sarah looking at him every few seconds with concern in her eyes.

As Chuck was about to exit the car, he turned to face Sarah.

"Look…Sarah, could you help me do something, and please don't freak…."

"What is it Chuck?"

"…..I need to find a way of…facing all that has happened, process that he's not coming back……"

Chuck looked so sad it hurt Sarah's heart to watch.

"Of course, what do you want me to do?"

Chuck lowered his gaze, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, not able to meet Sarah's.

"…..could you let me in to Casey's apartment…..?"

"What?!"

"Please, Sarah, I need some sort of….I don't know….closure? Just for one night Sarah, that's all I need,….please?"

"I don't think that is a good idea Chuck, I think it's going to make you more depressed then you already are"

"……please Sarah, just trust me, ok?" Chuck was whispering, the words getting stuck on their way out.

How could she argue with the broken man in front of her….

"Ok, Chuck, but I think I should come with you, just in case."

"No, Sarah, please? I need to do this alone, just me, ok?"

Sarah looked at Chuck and eventually let out a small sigh and let herself out of the car.

"I´ll go turn of the alarms in Casey's apartment, then I'll come back, ok?"

Chucked nodded, grateful for her understanding. He sat in the car, unsure of what he was getting himself into, but somehow he needed to be as close to Casey as he could, not knowing if the real Casey was alive or not.

Sarah was back almost as soon as she'd left and she guided Chuck to the door.

"Look, Chuck, remember if there's anything I can help you with, call me. Anything, ok? Even if you just want to talk…. I'll call Ellie and tell her that were staying out tonight, no need to worry her."

"Thank you, Sarah…. I mean it, thanks for understanding, and for your help….."

"It's ok, Chuck. Just….take it easy, for me, ok?" Sara gave him a quick hug before she returned to the car and drove off.

Chuck took a long, deep breath before entering the apartment. The place was spotless and organized; although a few dust balls had begun to form in the corners.

He walked through the apartment, trying to find anything….well, Casey.

Eventually he stepped into the bedroom and walked aimlessly around until he found himself in front of Casey's closet. Clean shirts and a perfectly arranged tie rack greeted him and Chuck smiled to himself. Always the military…..

He reached in the closet and found a black sport jacket, which he knew Casey had worn when they were looking for Chuck's old professor from Stanford.

Chuck took the jacket, held it to his face and inhaled deeply. A deep, musky scent with a hint of spice worked their way into Chucks nostrils, making him teary eyed.

"…..Casey….please….why……?" He whispered to himself, tears brimming in his eyes.

Chuck put the jacket on, crawled into bed, "hugged" by the man that had utterly destroyed him. That's what he felt like, destroyed. Not being able to function normally, just a shell of his old person walking around, being that damned Intersect.

What's the point anyway? He'd found someone for whom he would sacrifice his own useless existence and now that person was dead…. He would never know if anything would have happened between them. Chuck felt all alone in the world and nothing his friend or family had done to try and cheer him up, had worked. He felt like his being had been torn apart, and the other half had been left with Casey. He was incomplete, never ever getting to feel peace or calm again.

What was his life worth? Everything if you asked the government, nothing if you asked Chuck… He let the dark thought overcome him, it wasn't a problem these days, they were always close to him, nudging to him feel as worse as he could. He shifted on the bed, got up and headed out into the living room. He sat down on the couch and started searching for something under the frame of the coffee table, and there! He'd found it…. A small control panel, to which he knew the code and suddenly the plain wooden surface turned into a small armory. Knifes, guns, gadgets and a lot of things he didn't recognize.

"Nothing fancy Chuck" he said to himself as he picked up one of the automatics he'd seen Casey use. He loaded the gun, almost in a trance, and released the safety.

He rose and returned to the bedroom, sitting down at the edge of the bed, still wrapped in Casey's jacket, gun in his right hand. He felt lightheaded and looked down at the gun resting on his thigh, it looked hypnotic and he picked it up, placing under his chin.

"…..no more……please….. let it go away….." Chuck sobbed quietly to himself, determination set in his mind. He'd be gone, letting people in his life go on, stop worrying about him and they wouldn't have to deal with him being depressed.

He put his finger on the trigger, slowly letting it give away from the pressure of his fingers. He heard the gun preparing itself to launch its deadly force and Chuck closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

**Beta: Thanks to Ru_s****alki 99 for looking this over! *thank you, thank you!***

"Chuck? Where are you?"

Sarah's voice echoed through the apartment making Chuck release the breath he'd been holding. He let go of the gun, letting it fall down onto his lap. He took a deep breath before placing the gun on the floor and kicked it under the bed.

"Chuck? Please answer me, Chuck?! Oh, my god!!"

Chuck realized that Sarah must've seen that he'd opened the armory and she must have seen the missing gun. He heard her running, shouting and soon she was in the bedroom, staring at him.

"Chuck? What the hell is going on? Where's the gun?! Tell me!"

Sarah almost screamed at him, looking angrier than he had ever seen her before.

"It's too late Sarah, ok? Leave me alone, I don't want to go on, ok? Just…just leave…"

He stared into the wall, not facing her.

"What's that supposed to mean!? I trusted you enough to leave you alone and you try and pull a stunt like this?! Where's the gun, Chuck?" Sarah's voice was laced with ice.

"It's under the bed… just take it and leave me alone!" Chuck shouted back at her, not caring anymore.

Sarah stared at him, bent down to retrieve the gun, unloading it quickly.

"What are you going to do Sarah, huh? I'm not going on, ok? It's better for everyone if I'm gone…" Chuck stared down on the floor, not interested in starting a conflict; he just wanted her to leave. Tears started to form in the corners of his eyes, slowly rolling down his face.

Sarah put her arm around him and flinched as Chuck tried to avoid her touching him. She squeezed his shoulder quickly before letting go.

"Chuck, you're not well, ok? Just take it easy, I'll fix this, stay here. I'll be back soon, ok?"

Sarah looked at him before walking out of the bedroom. Chuck heard her moving around, talking on her phone. He hid his face in his hands and lay down on the bed, letting the convulsions of his crying consume him. Chuck cried and cried, unable to control the sounds emanating from him and eventually he started to shake, shivering with every breath.

He didn't notice Sarah returning, and he didn't notice her arms around him or the whisper in his ear.

"I'm sorry Chuck, but it's for your own good."

She felt useless. Nothing she had done to try and encourage him had worked and now it might be too late. She could only hope that they would help him. 'They' being the NSA….. It wasn't an easy decision to make, but Chuck was beyond her reach and he needed help.

About a half hour later, there was a knock on the door. Sarah got up and answered the door, meeting the NSA team standing outside.

The team of medical personnel flooded the small bedroom, not that Chuck cared. His tears wouldn't stop coming, and he didn't even move when he felt a needle in his arm. Then he slowly started to fade away. The last thing he saw was Sarah's face, looking apologetically at him. Then it all went black.

He woke what seemed like days later, on the floor of what appeared to be some sort of cell. He was dressed in a white pair of trousers and had a blanket over his body.

Slowly, he eased his way up on his knees, keeping the blanket huddled over his shoulders. He looked at his body and it was covered with marks and bruises and he had no idea how they'd gotten there. His slim, yet muscled torso was more black and blue than its more ordinary whitish color. He felt sore and weakened as though he'd been through a boxing match that he didn't win.

"Hello?... is there anyone here? Where am I?" Chuck looked around the cell, which he noticed, had padded walls, even the floor was padded.

", glad to see that you've come to your senses," A familiar female voice spoke to him via the speakers in the door.

"Wha….What? Come to my senses, I'm sorry, have I missed something?" Chuck was utterly confused, he had no idea what she was talking about.

"I'll be in to check on you later , just remain calm for now," With that, a click was heard, ending their conversation.

Chuck rose and started walking around, what the hell was going on? He had no idea where he was or more importantly, why he was here. He tried to remember and then it hit him, almost like a flash.

He remembered being in Casey's bedroom, being drugged, being taken to hospital and he remembered,….

"Oh, my god…" Memories flashed back and he fell down onto the floor.

That's why they'd put him in a padded cell… He'd broken free of the restraints in the hospital bed and crashed the entire floor, throwing needles and glass vials at the personnel, eventually grabbing hold of a gun when one of the guards had fallen to the floor. He'd threatened every person in the room, anyone that moved. He'd screamed, demanding to know where Casey was, that they show him where he was held.

After some time, he'd been overpowered by security guards, but he'd put up one hell of a fight, using all the tricks that Casey had taught him. The security guards were under strict instructions not to harm him, but they had to fight back to keep him still, and that's probably when the bruising had occurred.

Chuck went over the events in his head, over and over. If there had ever been any doubt about the way he felt about Casey, those doubts were officially gone. He'd screamed out his longing for the agent, loud enough for the entire NSA to hear.

He remembered talking to someone about how he felt, but who? Someone had been in the cell with him at one point, trying to make him, well… less suicidal. It hadn't worked, he'd told whoever it was that had been in his cell to go get fucked, then he had stolen a pen.

Chuck froze. The pen. The sharp reservoir pen that he had hidden inside the blanket. A feeling of warmth came over him, knowing that soon, he would be free of this pain.

Pretending to go to sleep, Chuck curled up under the blanket and slowly jiggled the pen out of the lining of the blanket, smiling when he saw the sharp metal shining at him. He thought about stabbing himself, but decided it would take too long and require more strength than he had. Instead, he took the edge of the pen to his wrist, digging it into the skin. It hurt, a lot, but it was nothing compared to how he felt mentally. Soon, he broke the skin, small trickles of blood rolling down his arm onto the soft floor. He kept slicing away with the pen, and the blood came more freely, making him feel lightheaded. He could feel the life draining from him, and started to cry once more. Not out of pain, but out relief. It would soon be over, this hell of a life that he'd already tried to end once, only to be stopped by Sarah.

The air was leaving his lungs and he pushed the blanket aside, getting a gulp of air, spreading his body on the floor. It was quiet. He smiled, he was finally doing it and he was finally alone.

"RIIIIIING!RIIIIIIING!" An alarm sounded through the building, through Chuck's cell and he heard rustling outside.

"No, no…..no…..please leave me alone," Chucked mumbled incoherently, hearing the door being opened and people filling in.

Someone held down hard on his cut wrist and another put a mask over his mouth, oxygen flooding into his lungs. This wasn't what he wanted so he fought back, trying to get the people around him to go away. He tore off his mask and kicked with his feet, kicking someone who grunted loudly.

"Give him some sedatives, dammit!"

"Are you mad, he's barely got a pulse and you want to give him sedatives?! Just do your job, and hold him still or we will lose him!" The female voice echoed in the small room and Chuck dimly recognized it as belonging to the doctor who had treated him and Casey a couple of months ago.

"Get the gurney, we need to move him," Chuck felt himself being lifted and placed on a hard stretcher, carried away. He did his best to keep up a fight, slapping away hands and pulling out the IV someone had started, making him loose more blood.

"Mr. Bartowski, stop it!" The doctor scowled at him, pushing down his arm as he reached around blindly. He felt the stretcher being lowered and he made a whimpering noise.

He opened his eyes and saw a gathering of determined faces hovering over him as well as strong lights shining, making him squint.

"Start a new IV, and start pushing blood, now! We need to get his blood pressure up, can you get a pulse?"

The room was filled with activity and soon they had stabilized Chuck, moving him to an intensive care unit, the same one he'd been in before. He was now strapped down, both arms and legs, with armed guards surrounding him.

Chuck lay in the hospital bed, still lightheaded from blood loss and a variety of drugs, coursing through his system via the IV attached to his arm. He tried to move and tugged weakly at his restraints, they'd changed the restraints into leather ones. He swore under his breath, turning his head to look around the room. He was the only patient in the room, so he decided to close his eyes and let the drugs work their magic.

"? Could I speak with you please?" Chuck heard Dr. Jennings voice close to his bed.

"No, go away. I don't want anything from you people," Chuck said as he opened his eyes and stared at the woman.

"I just want to be left alone, ok? Is that so hard, huh?" He heard himself sounding groggy, not totally in contact with himself.

", you have tried to commit suicide on more than on one occasion, and you are very valuable to us. We will do everything in our power to protect you from harm."

"Right. It's me you care about? I don't think so, Dr. Jennings, you're just concerned about keeping the Intersect alive, not me. Don't believe for a second that I believe your bullshit about caring for me! If you cared in the slightest, you'd let me die!"

Once again, tears came creeping down his cheeks, provoked by anger and hurt.

"I understand that you are upset, but trying to end your life is not the way to go, Mr. Bartowski. I've talked to general Beckman, she will be coming down personally to see you, and she has some questions for you. "

Chuck didn't respond, he closed his eyes, wishing her away. He didn't care about general Beckman coming to see him; he no longer cared about anything. What was she going to do? Wave her magic wand and make everything alright? Not even she had power over the dead.


	5. Chapter 5

The day went on, Chuck slept most of it off, mentally willing his body to shut down…

"He's in here, ma'am. Please don't go too close, the subject is somewhat unpredictable."

Chuck heard the soft clicking of heels coming his way, and he turned to face her.

"Ah, General Beckman, what can I do for you today? You need a flash or two? I'm sorry, I'm all tied up," Chuck let sarcasm fill his voice, not hiding his contempt for the woman who had refused to tell him about Casey.

"Mr Bartowski, please don't use that tone with me. I'm here to see how you're doing, I heard from that you were quite close to not making it, your little stunt scared pretty much the entire NSA."

Chuck didn't answer, just looked at her with venom in his eyes.

She looked at him with a confounded expression, curiosity painted across her face.

" I have to admit that I'm… intrigued. How is it that a computer technician could fight off security guards, destroy an entire hospital ward and steel a pen from a physiatrist, whilst you were being video monitored?"

Chuck smiled, a small and weak smile, as something private flushed his memories.

"… Casey…" He whispered, barely audible for the general, "…Casey taught me a few things."

The general looked at Chuck and smiled back.

"Of course Casey taught you, Mr. Bartowski, he was deeply concerned for your safety, I just didn't know he'd taught you as well as you displayed earlier… Look, Mr. Bartowski, I would like it for you to get better, soon. We are already treating you with a special strain of antibiotics, that will kick start you system, and once you healed, you'll begin with psychical therapy. We need you back in the field, you're very valuable to us."

Chuck sighed, knowing very well that nothing he said could make the general give the order to end his life. But something could always happen along the way, maybe an accidental running into a knife or something in training… He smiled slowly to himself, a smile used only by suicidal people with a plan. And by people with a lot of painkillers in their system.

A week passed by, Chuck was slowly recovering, physically at least. Mentally he still tried to think of ways to, well, off himself.

Each time he left the bed, he was surrounded by guards with stun guns, not even leaving him alone in the bathroom. When he ate, he was given easy breakable plastic cutlery and the guards searched his person after every meal.

Soon he was well enough to be moved to a psychical training center, but at nights he was still locked up in a cell, wearing nothing but a pair of the ugly white trousers and a blanket. No one ever came into his cell, no wonder after what had happened the last time they'd tried it. He had a small touch screen in his cell, keeping him occupied by skimming through NSA material, not being allowed any news broadcasts or access to the internet.

He had a session with a psychiatrist every day, and at first he said very little. That was before the plan of getting out of the NSA had started to form in his head, a plan that involved cooperating. At least to pretend to be cooperating.

As he spoke to the psychiatrist, he slowly made "progress", which of course was reported to General Beckman, finally believing that the human Intersect was on the road to recovery. He did his exercises in the gym and he stopped attacking the personnel even though he sometimes would give them meaningful glances when the evaluators weren't looking. Just for the feeling of it. Casey must have influenced him more ways than he'd realized.

The rewards he received for his good behavior were small but appreciated, he was moved to a more comfortable housing, still a cell but not so "cell-like" as it had been. He was given a soft bed which helped during the nightmares that stilled haunted him at nights. Nightmares of Casey lying on the ground, slowly bleeding to death as Chuck was tied up, unable to help him. He would wake up at nights, screaming and crying, frustration evident as his body shook from being tied up, his body obviously reliving their capture.

After a while, Chuck was allowed free access to the gym facility, and that's where he spent most of his days. He trained hard and pressed himself harder than what was good for him, but at least it kept his mind off Casey and the muscle burn was a welcomed pain, burning its way through his body, making him try harder to reach that level of pain, over and over.

Before all of this, Chuck would've never have turned to psychical exercise as a way of relieving stress, but once again, Casey's influence had affected him and it actually felt good doing the strenuous exercises.

Chuck was in the gym, surrounded by his usual band of guards as he was lifting weights. He was actually quite impressed by the look of his own biceps. He'd always been the skinny nerd and now… Well, he didn't match Devon but at least his arms weren't as straight as chop sticks anymore.

", could you come here please?" One of the guards called to him, gesturing at a lonely chair at the end of the gym.

Chuck put the weights down and walked over to the chair, slumping down whilst wiping his forehead. His brigade of guards gathered around him, upholstering their guns.

"Hey, guys… What's up? The Intersect remember, no touch, no kill…. " Chuck put his hands up in a mock defense, smiling at his guards.

"Hello, . " Chuck turned and saw General Beckman walking towards him.

"Hi, general, how are we this fine morning? Or night, is it sunny outside? I don't really know. What month is it?"

"Today is tonight, it's raining and the month is May. Is that all, or could I start briefing you?"

Chuck nodded at the general who stopped in front of him, arching her brow.

", we have decided to put you back on active duty. You we´ll be joining agents on assignments and using your skills to their benefit. Home base for you will be the NSA headquarters in L.A, where you will receive combat and weaponry training, preparing you for the real life as a NSA agent."

Chuck awed, his mouth almost ajar with surprise. He was getting out of here, he'd be going home! And it scared him. He actually longed to get back, his first thought had been to go home, not to go kill himself.

When the hell had that happened?

"We need you to return to your normal life, that's when you're at the most value to us, seeing things in everyday situations, but we need you to be able to defend yourself. That is why you will be moving in to a house close to the NSA HQ in L.A. Agent Walker will be moving in with you, so as to keep up your cover. Is that understood?"

"Sarah! Really? That's awesome, but…..But what about me being gone, for, I don't know how long?"

"Agent Walker has been keeping up your cover whilst you were gone. You two have travelled the globe, and sent frequent postcards. We've taken care of everything, , all you have to do is to go back."

She stared at him, her gazing eyes locking with his.

"All you have to do is to go back… And _stay alive_. We've got you under constant surveillance and will not tolerate any type of behavior like you've shown in the past. The psychiatrists have told me that you're stable, and I don't trust them, Mr. Bartowski, just so you know. If I think for a second that you're endangering other agents, I will give the order, understood?"

Chuck looked down on his feet, knowing full well that she was right, he never knew when those feelings hit him, and it could ambush him while he was training or just reading.

"Agent Walker will come and pick you up later tonight, you´ll be using a private jet to take you back to L.A and you will arrive at your location. Any questions ?"

"I don't know really, I mean… I can't believe I'm leaving… and its…it's just hard to grasp, you know?" He felt really exposed under the gaze of Beckman and he needed to get away.

"Can I go back to my room now please?"

The general smiled at him before stepping in closer. The guards around Chuck closed in on him, making sure he didn't try anything this close to his release. She put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a small, rare smile.

"You're going to be alright, . Maybe you don't believe me right now, but…" She leaned in closer and whispered in his ear, "I _know_ that you will get better," She leaned back and winked at him before she turned on her heel and left, leaving Chuck utterly confused and not sure he'd actually seen the stone cold general wink at him. She obviously knew something he didn't.

The guards stepped away and left Chuck sitting by himself. He pulled his hand through his dark brown mop of hair and stood. The showers were calling for him and he strode towards the waiting watery heat.

With his guards in tow, he stripped out of his clothes and stepped in, ducking under the hot water spray before letting the water flow freely. It felt so good! His sore muscles ached and the feeling he had felt about leaving almost resembled joy. It felt nice… weird, but nice.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a fresh towel around his slender hips before he walked back to his cell, as always, with guards accompanying him. One of the guards opened the door and showed him inside.

"Hey Chuck," A sweet voice came from within the cell.

"Sarah? Oh, my god Sarah!!!" Chuck moved quickly into the cell, making his guards a bit uneasy as he gave her at big hug, almost not letting go after a minute's passed, "Sarah, it's so good to see you! I'm so glad you're here! How are you? Are we leaving now? I should get changed, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, you should Chuck," Sarah smiled, "It's alright, you're excused, I'll handle him." Sara told the guards.

"Are you sure agent Walker? He's not allowed visitors in his cell for…security reasons," The guard looked at Sarah, nodded at Chuck and Sarah in return gave Chuck a look of confusion.

"Yes, I'm sure. You are excused," Sarah told him.

The door close behind them and Sarah turned to face Chuck.

"What the hell was that all about?" She looked at him, not knowing what to believe.

"Ah…that….Nothing really, do you mind if I get changed?" Chuck smiled sheepishly, not wanting her to get the "right" idea about the brand new Chuck Bartowski.

"No, you do that, I've brought you some new clothes, they're on your bed," She watched as he closed the small distance to his bed, mesmerized by the "new" Chuck….He had become tight, hard and very toned. He looked like… almost like Captain Awesome, but more slender and not as buffed.

Chuck put the new clothes on, loving the feeling of wearing something that wasn't government issued. He sat down on his bed, just looking at her.

"It's nice to see you, Sarah. You look well."

"So do you Chuck. Very well, actually! You must have been training around the clock to get that body."

"Why, Agent Walker, are you flirting with me?" Chuck smiled at Sarah, feeling giddy bantering with her again.

Sarah laughed at him before becoming serious again.

"Chuck, why are those guards following your every move? And why shouldn't I be alone with you in your cell?"

Chuck felt his face become red. How the hell was he going to explain this? How was he going to explain all that inner rage that he'd felt, and sometimes still felt.

"It's hard to explain, Sarah, ok? There's been a lot going on and it's taken some time to process. I've not been feeling well, ok?"

"I know Chuck, I was there, remember? I saw what you did, what you almost did. God knows what would've happened if I hadn't showed up when I did."

She looked at him, sadness in her eyes. He hadn't realized that it had been hard on her as well; not only loosing Casey but being the one that had sent Chuck to this place. It was obvious the she needed to know more but she dropped the subject.

For now.

"I don't want to go over the details Sarah, I'm sure that the NSA nor the CIA has it on record," He sounded tired and rubbed his eyes.

"It's ok Chuck, why don't we get going? We've got a plane waiting for us at the airport."

They moved towards the door and Sarah knocked.

"This is Agent Walker, open the door."

She turned around and saw Chuck putting his hands behind his head, kneeling on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Just routine. You'll see when they open the door," Chuck felt embarrassed, that he was the cause of all this must be hard for Sarah to grasp.

Sarah stared at him before turning to the door as it opened. Two guards pointed their guns at Chuck and three more had stun guns at the ready.

She felt a cold chill pass through her body, what the hell had happened with Chuck?!

She passed through the wall of guards as she saw Chuck getting up to rest his hands on the wall, legs apart, before one of his guards approached slowly and started to search Chuck's clothes and body.

It took them a few minutes, thoroughness being the word, before he was allowed up.

As they walked down the corridor, making their way out of the building to meet the car that was going to take them to the airport, she noticed the guards casting long glances between her and Chuck, seeing them sighing with relief as he stepped into the waiting car.

Soon they arrived at the airport, climbing into the waiting plane, taking off quickly.

Chuck could practically feel the tension roll off his body, leaning back into the very comfortable chair.

"Why don't you try and get some sleep, Chuck? I need to go over a few things anyway."

"Okay, I'll just take a nap," Chuck was already halfway to dreamland and soon he was sleeping like a baby, arms kept close to his body, protecting himself even as he slept.

Sarah took a long look at him before looking at the laptop in front of her. She'd called her director and requested the file of one Charles Bartowski. Medical journals, statements from psychiatrists and videos. Videos showing Chuck attacking a guard with a syringe, piercing his neck when he didn't get his way. Videos showing Chuck lying half dead on the floor of his cell, pale, bleeding and smiling. And then there was a video showing Chuck beating the living daylight out of nurse, only to be dragged away by security guards.

She dried away the tears that had begun to gather in the corner of her eye.

"Casey… What the hell have you done to him?"

//Please review! It helps! *lol*


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm so sorry for the delay, but I hope it will be worth the wait!**

**New Beta for this story, the lovely; ****Black_Angel_****. *thank you***

**//SweSlash**

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Sarah spent the rest of the flight reviewing Chuck's file, getting more worried by the minute. A small part of her thought that maybe... just maybe he shouldn't have been let out of the facility…..That thought hurt, but the things she'd seen in the file had scared her, the old Chuck was gone and instead she would be living with a suicidal, unpredictable copy of the man she had grown to have feelings for. It hurt. And it scared her. She'd always felt that she'd been capable of handling Chuck, but now... She could handle some trained killer out to get her but managing this felt so unfamiliar; so out of her league.

The plane touched down at a small airfield outside of L.A., and stopped right in front of a black town car. Chuck and Sarah climbed into the car and soon they were off to move into their new house.

Sarah kept a close eye on Chuck, she needed to familiarize herself with the new characteristics of him. He was a not as twitchy as he had been before; it was as if he was more aware of his surroundings, and calculating everything. It made her uncomfortable. That was her job, not his. He was supposed to be this happy guy that had just happened to get a government computer in his head, not a cold blooded NSA agent to be. Not the next John Casey… Not her living nightmare…

They arrived at the house. It was a small, white all American dream home. The NSA had certainly gone out of their way to create the illusion of a happy home for the two of them. Thankfully, they didn't have to sleep in the same bed or even in the same room. Sarah was not comfortable enough with Chuck to share a bed.

Sarah made sure Chuck went to bed but not before she'd made him take the tablets that the NSA had given her. The psychiatrist had told her that they were pretty strong sleeping pills, designed for her fact that the NSA wanted _him _to take pills to give _her_ calm nights had made her a bit scared and she decided to sleep with one eye open.

As she had predicted, Sarah did not get much sleep that night. The images of Chuck at the NSA facility kept her up, thinking about how the hell she was going to control this potential killing machine.

A new morning dawned as Chuck started to wake up. He felt groggy and still a bit tired. He stretched and stepped out of bed, enjoying the feeling of not waking up between four solid concrete walls. Just looking out of the window, seeing birds and trees and… He lost his train of thought. He shook his head, trying to wake up properly. A nice shower would be a great way to start his day. So he did just that and didn't stop until his fingers started to get wrinkled. A quick shave with the electric razor he'd found and then he strolled into the kitchen, starving. He started to make breakfast when he realized that he had no idea where Sarah was. Looking around, he saw her sleeping on the couch with a blanket laying askew over her body. He tip-toed up to the couch before leaning in close to her ear.

"Good morning, sunshine," Chuck whispered in her ear, stroking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Faster then he could react, Sarah was on her feet, pointing a knife in his direction.

"Whooooah! Sarah, it's just me! Not murder guy or something, just me… Calm down!" Chuck tried to look as friendly as possible, convinced that she must have had a really bad dream.

"Chuck, do _not _sneak up on me! Ok? Never! Do you hear me?"

She sounded… scared? What the hell?

"Sarah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, ok?" She still didn't relax and Chuck started to feel stressed. What was wrong with her? Then he caught a glimpse of her laptop, seeing himself on the screen with the words "Extremely Dangerous" attached to his name.

"What is this? Are you researching me?!" Chuck could feel the anger building up inside of him. He tried his best to remain calm, but failed miserably.

Sarah was unable to keep her calm and started to shout at him.

"Yes, Chuck. I am! I had to! You're not the same person anymore. How am I supposed to know what has happened to you if I hadn't researched?!"

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?! You could've asked me! I'm still the same person, Sarah! I am!"

"Of course you are Chuck… The Chuck I knew stabbed people and got into fights all the time…" Sarcasm filled her voice as she saw him getting angrier by the minute, the muscles in his jaw and hands clenching.

"That's not fair, ok Sarah!? You try loosing the person you loved and then being locked up! When all you want to do is die and be rid of this world; to be free of the pain! You try it and see if you can do it, because I sure as hell can't!!" Chuck screamed at her, pouring out his frustrations for the time that had passed.

"You loved Casey?" Sarah couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Chuck wasn't able to answer. He felt himself going numb as he slumped on the couch and buried his face in his hands.

"…yes..."

Sarah took a deep breath and steadied herself as she sat down next to him. "Chuck, I'm sorry… I never knew that you… that you liked Casey"

He laughed, a small desperate laugh full of agony. "Neither did I, Sarah. Neither did I… I realized it after…"

He took a deep breath, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"…after he was gone" Sarah filled the gap, stroking Chuck's back and trying to calm him down.

Chuck lifted his head and looked at her. His eyes were so sad and yet his body trembled with pent up frustration.

"Sarah, don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to leave me… Please? Before I do something I'll regret…." He took a deep breath and rested his forehead in his hands.

She took him at his word, and left for the kitchen while watching him on the surveillance monitor that sat on the counter. She saw him get up and walk around aimlessly, frustration obvious, and then slam his fist into the wall, creating a hole. Chuck felt pain rush through his body, momentarily forgetting about his anger. He allowed the surge of adrenaline to spread through his body. Pain and adrenaline. He enjoyed the mix.

Sarah picked up her phone and dialed. "I need him to start his training now, are you prepared?" A pause. "Good. Pick him up within the hour."

A while after, Sarah heard a car approaching. She looked out the window to see the black town car.

"Chuck? Would you please get in here?" She did her best to keep her voice even, though she could feel it tremble.

"Coming!" A moment later, Chuck strolled into the kitchen, dried blood covering his knuckles.

"Chuck, you should get that cleaned up. I'll give you a hand."

She took his hand and guided him towards the sink where she started to clean the wound.

"Look… Sarah… It's not you. I don't have a problem with you… It's all me and I know I'm screwed, always and forever, ok?" Chuck looked at her with an honest expression as he apologized.

"It's alright, Chuck. And you're not screwed, just… " She didn't know what to say that wouldn't be a blatant lie.

"Right now you're being picked up to go to the training centre so please take it easy and try to stay calm, ok?"

"I'll do my best. I promise you, I'll do my best to become an obedient NSA agent and do everything Beckman tells me to. Become an obedient lapdog…"

He looked at her with sadness in his eyes, before he dried off his hands and walked out to the car.

The ride was about an hour and he felt the car leaving paved roads and going onto dirt ones, telling him that they were not anywhere near civilization. The car stopped and the door was opened, the sunlight blocking whoever it was standing outside the car.

"Welcome . We've been expecting you." A female voice greeted him and as he stepped out of the car he saw her face. A thirty something year old woman with her brown hair tied up in a pony tail , winding its way down her back. She looked kind and Chuck relaxed.

"My name is Rena, and I'll be your contact here at the centre. Would you please follow me?" She turned and walked towards the nearest building. Chuck looked around and was surprised. It didn't look anything like what he'd imagined an NSA training centre would look like. Instead it looked like a nice B & B with lodges laid out in a circle.

"This is where your training will take place, . If you´ll step inside, please, we can start your first lesson."

"What? Already? But I'm not prepared. What am I supposed to do?" Chuck found himself getting nervous, not a good thing as his nerves were already pretty frayed.

"It's nothing to worry about. This is a basic lesson in hand to hand combat. Beginner level." Rena smiled at him, but it didn't make him feel any better.

He stepped inside and was met by a man dressed in jeans and a t-shirt who looked friendly. The house was empty except for weaponry along the walls and the NSA logo on the back wall. No carpets or anything.

"Hi, I'm Chuck. And you are?"

"I'm Kim. Your instructor. Welcome! I've learned about your situation, , and I will do my best to help you. But time is not on our side. Should we start our training?" His voice was deep and to the point and Chuck felt that there was more to this man than what he showed.

"Now? Like right away? I really know nothing about fighting and I'm not even warmed up.." Chuck knew he sounded corny, but he really wasn't prepared for this.

"I don't believe you, Chuck. I've seen what you can do... when you put your mind to it." Kim looked at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

"I've seen the videos from when you where held at the NSA medical facility. I know what damage you can cause with your bare hands. I want you to show me."

Chuck couldn't believe what he was hearing. Had everyone seen those videos? Was it something they sent around at the NSA, like 'look at the psycho'.

"Look, Kim, I'm trying real hard not to, you know… I really don't feel like fighting you. I know I'm gonna get my ass kicked, so let's not, ok?" Chuck felt the tension building in him, and he wasn't sure how long he would last without jumping the guy.

"Listen to me, Chuck. You're here so that I can help you control your strength, to your own benefit. Right now you're just a reasonably strong guy with poor technique. But in order for me to teach you, I'll need to see what you're about."

Chuck shook his head, not willing to enter that state of mind, even in this controlled environment.

"Who was it who trained you? Before you went haywire?"

Chuck's head snapped toward Kim, staring at him with a menacing look in his eyes.

"Don't go there, Kim. I'm telling you to leave it alone…"

"John Casey wasn't it? You'd think an agent of his capacity would've taught you better than that…"

Chuck felt himself getting tunnel-vision and all that he could see at the end of that tunnel was a man who was about to get himself beaten to a bloody pulp. He had no business talking about Casey like that…

"Leave. It. Alone," Chuck snarled at his teacher who still smiled at him, taking a few steps closer.

"Why's that Chuck? You think you can hurt me? I'm not a defenseless nurse; an easy target… That's what you like isn't it?"

Chuck closed the distance between them and grabbed Kim by the shirt, twisting it between in his hand.

"I'm not scared of you Chuck…" Kim whispered before he grabbed ahold of the hand tangled in his shirt and almost broke Chuck's thumb.

Chuck winced but didn't let go. Instead he brought his other hand up and placed it around the other man's throat, squeezing hard and making it hard for Kim to get any air.

A hard kick in Chuck's gut did the trick, though, and he let go, feeling the adrenaline coursing through his body.

"I didn't think you had it in you, Chuck. But you're just as cold as any agent. You're just as cold as, well, you know. You wouldn't have hesitated to choke me, would you?"

Chuck shook his head.

"If I'm going to be honest with you, Kim, no." Chuck scared himself with that answer although he was getting used to not caring about his own or other people's lives.

Kim smiled a slightly crooked smile, before slipping into combat mode again.

"Well, Chuck, I've got you to myself all day. Shall we begin?"

Chuck didn't stop to think as he was overcome with a feeling of want. Wanting blood and wanting pain as he charged forward. The old Chuck was nowhere to be seen…

They spent the entire day training together, Chuck still not being able to fight without working himself into a frenzy. And when he did put up a fight, it wasn't controlled or skilled like Kim wanted, just fighting blindly, hitting anything or anyone that came in his way. Right before the car came and picked him up to drive him 'home', Kim gave Chuck a quick pat on the back. "You'll be alright Chuck, trust me"

That's how he spent the month to come. Training with Kim, learning techniques that would help him cope with almost every situation that he could end up facing as an NSA agent or as the Intersect.

He'd improved, not up to agent standards, but at least he was able to control himself. He learned to not take it personally every time Kim got in a good hit, making him spin across the room before he ungracefully landed on the hard floor.

When Chuck went home to his and Sarah's house, she'd begun to see changes in him. He was able to keep up a normal life and she found that she had begun to feel more relaxed around him. The sudden outbursts and the emotional tension emanating from him had decreased and it made the living together easier.

But there was one thing that Chuck couldn't bring himself to do yet and that was meeting his sister or Morgan. It wasn't easy to stay away but he found himself unable to face them yet. He wasn't the same person anymore and of course his sister and best friend would notice. To face them and act all relaxed after his and Sarah's 'around the world' trip wasn't something he looked forward to. No, one thing at the time. He had to make sure he was stable before seeing them.

Eventually, he'd started to look forward to going to the training centre, enjoying his daily routine with Kim and as the next month rolled over, he'd started to train with weapons. He sort of liked handling guns. It was the same thing as working with computers, and he could take parts from different guns and build his own. He'd soon manufactured his own personalized version of the NSA standard automatic, which earned him recognition from his trainers. He wasn't a marksman but he was well on his way, hitting moving targets and targets at a distance.

One day he left the shooting range to take a walk, needing to clear his mind. He strolled absentmindedly into the woods next to the centre, making his way up a small path that winded alongside a creek. It felt nice to be alone for once and he kept walking, enjoying the silence.

Soon the woods opened up into a huge clearing, with the creek on its far side. This wasn't some undiscovered treasure he'd wandered upon, more of a recreation site with benches and tables scattered along the edges, leaving the middle part of the clearing empty.

His eyes narrowed, seeing someone sitting at one of the benches, not far from him. All kinds of thoughts flew through his head. Was this a test? Was it Kim, prepared to ambush him as he passed by or just another agent resting?

He slowed down his pace, slowly walking towards the person that still hadn't moved. Something familiar rushed through his mind as he came closer, something he remembered.

His heart almost stopped and he felt his lungs constricting, unable to get any air.

It couldn't be...

"…Casey?"

Unbeknownst to himself, he started to run towards the person on the bench.

It couldn't be...

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	7. Chapter 7

Beta; black_angel_ from chapter 6 *thank you darling*

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"CASEY!!!"

Chuck screamed at the top of his lungs, feeling panic surge through him as he ran and adrenaline pumping through his veins. He'd never run as fast as he did in his whole life but it felt like he was hardly moving. A thousand thoughts rushed through his mind but he was unable to make sense of any of it.

"Chuck?! What the hell?" Casey sat there, looking utterly confused as he saw the younger man running towards him. Then he rose, quickly, and felt a stab of pain shooting through his back. It burned but he ignored it and stood to face the man he'd thought had been dead.

Chuck stopped within five feet and stared, barely able to catch his breath.

"You're dead…? I mean, how are you here? You're dead, Casey… What?" Chuck was unable to stop the tears that were brimming in his eyes and he could feel his body starting to shake.

Casey said nothing, wasn't able to, as he stared at Chuck. His asset was alive… It was unbelievable, unfathomable… How? After what he'd seen had happened with Chuck, he wasn't supposed to be alive. Casey's usually well organized trace of thought got lost as confusion took its place.

As he continued to stare at Chuck, he saw the changes that had taken place with the younger man. He looked stronger, leaner and very, very worn… Age had caught up with him, the look of childish innocence erased and was replaced with something else that he wasn't sure of what.

"Casey….answer me, please?" Chuck was staring at him, tears flowing freely and his entire body shaking hard. It hurt just to look at him.

"I thought you were dead Chuck… " Casey's voice was deep and so very low that Chuck wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself.

"I thought you were dead Chuck, I really did, and now you're here… What has happened to you?" Casey's voice had picked up in strength and sounded concerned as he let his eyes wander across the younger mans face.

"Nothing, everything, I'm ok. What about you? Are you… ok?"

Casey looked him straight in the eyes, lingering longer than he'd ever done before whilst talking to Chuck.

"To be frank; no. Our mutual 'friend' gave me a few memories that haven't quite healed yet…"

Chuck wasn't able to answer. His throat felt constricted as he saw images of what their captor had made Casey go through.

He lowered his head, feeling guilty. He couldn't believe this was happening; meeting a dead man when walking in the woods. A man that he tried to end his own life because of…

"Casey, have you've been here all this time?"

"Nah, just the last month. They've kept me sedated for a long time when they fixed my back."

Chuck stepped forward, closing the distance between them, noticing that Casey didn't take a step back.

"Casey… don't freak... please. I just need to make sure…"

With those words he leaned in and put his arms around Casey's neck and rested his head under his chin.

He heard, and felt, as Casey inhaled deeply before letting out a big sigh of relief.

"What do you need to make sure, Chuck?"

"You… I need you to be you…"

Casey smiled.

"I'm real. But I'm having trouble believing that you are."

Chuck tightened the embrace, crying and smiling at the same time.

"Casey, can we go somewhere and talk?"

"Yeah, we can go to my house."

"You have a house?"

Casey grinned.

"Of course I do. Senior officers privilege…"

They walked back in silence, casting occasional glances at each other, making sure that this was really happening. They soon reached Casey's house, a decent sized building at the far end of the centre, with a small lake stretching out behind the house.

"Well, come on in," Casey gestured at Chuck, letting him pass through the door.

It was not what Chuck had expected. Not at all…

The house was decorated as though a really wealthy and important business man lived there. Luxurious kitchen, all black with stainless steel appliances. As he walked into the living room, he was stunned…

The room was dominated by a huge fireplace, carved out of gray stone with a large sheepskin rug in front of it. Across from the fireplace was a well sized couch made out of white, polished leather. The walls were covered with different kinds of modern artworks and at the end of the room were huge sliding doors leading out to the lake outside, perfect for an evening swim.

"Casey! I'm impressed. Your work?"

"Nah, I told them what I didn't want, and this is what I got. You like it?"

"Yes! Yes, I like. I'm just a bit… I don't know, always pictured you to be more of the bunk bed, sleep in a tent, sort of a guy, you know?"

Casey huffed, loudly.

"I don't mind things being comfortable, Chuck. I don't _need_ things to be comfortable, that's the difference."

Chuck looked at him, looking sheepish.

"I'm sorry Casey, I didn't mean to… you know?"

"I know Chuck. How about we grab something to eat?" He could hear Chuck's stomach rumbling from across the room.

Chuck nodded and followed Casey as he went into the kitchen and started to fry up a couple of steaks.

"Could you start the salad?" Casey looked at Chuck who was busy staring at Casey's neck.

"What? Um, yeah, sure!" He went over to the fridge and was struck with the absurdity of the situation. He was cooking with Casey, and both men were bubbling with questions, but no one was willing to break the illusion of everything being ok.

They finished preparing the food and then they ate in silence. There was no awkward silence, which was awkward enough…

After dinner, Casey got up and started clearing the table, leaving a very confused Chuck by the table, aching to talk about what had happened over the last months. He heard Casey rustling about in the kitchen and then he walked out, passing by Chuck to head in to the bathroom.

Chuck was lost, what was going on and why weren't they talking?

Suddenly, Casey appeared from the bathroom, in swim clothes…

"I'm taking a dip. If you feel like joining in, clothes are in the bathroom."

"What? A swim? Now? It's almost ten and you wanna go swimming? Isn't it cold?"

"Nah, just refreshing!" Casey smiled and walked straight through the living room, pushed aside the sliding doors and disappeared into the darkness.

It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Chuck, he just didn't know how to. Cooking, cleaning and acting normal kept the charade up for a while longer. And Casey couldn't sort out his feelings, they were all muddled up. When he'd seen Chuck earlier today, he'd wanted to take Chuck in his arms and never let go.

But he wasn't sure what he felt. How was he supposed to know when he had already buried his feelings towards Chuck when he was informed of his asset's death?

It was hard to grasp this thing between them. Not long ago, even though it felt like an eternity, Chuck had been his asset, the one that Casey was prepared to give his life for to protect because it was his job. Keep Chuck safe – keep the nation safe.

Simple.

The way Casey liked it. He liked his world to be black and white with the occasional shade of grey, but usually it had been Casey who'd decided when circumstances demanded a more 'grey' approach. Because of his asset - because of Chuck - Casey's world turned more grey by the minute and it wasn't something he could control. Unbeknownst to Casey, more and more colors had begun to find themselves into his life, and they usually shone the brightest when Chuck was around.

He'd come to appreciate the nerd herder's company. The kid had proven himself to Casey, taking better care of himself on missions than anyone had expected. And not before long, he'd caught himself smiling when Chuck cracked some stupid joke or when he debated with Morgan over some technical thing that made absolutely no sense to anyone. Sure, he'd tried to keep up his 'bad ass' façade, but Chuck had slowly broken down his hard demeanor and replaced it with some sort of… affection?

Casey ran his hand through his hair and sighed deeply as he walked towards the lake.

He was so long gone…

A minute later, a big splash was heard and Chuck still hadn't moved. He tried to grasp what was happening, confusion being the word.

He got up and headed out through the sliding doors, seeing nothing. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he started to see the edges of the lake and rocks that formed almost like a natural pier. He looked around, trying to see Casey but he was nowhere to be found. Not even a sound was heard and he started get nervous.

"Casey? Where are you? You're freaking me out…"

Still nothing and Chuck started pacing the edge of the water, hoping to get a glimpse of the agent. He stopped at the edge of the water, feeling his feet getting wet, but that didn't bother him as much as Casey's disappearance.

With a small yelp of surprised, Chuck was dragged into the water, kicking and waving his arms.

"Casey!!! What the hell?!" Chuck spluttered and tried to keep the hair out of his face as he spat out water.

"Oh, relax Bartowski. I'm just checking to see if your training has been successful. I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed…" Casey smiled and took a hold of Chuck's shoulders to stabilize the other man.

"Well, I wasn't all that prepared for an evening tutorial, Casey!" Chuck glared at him, not wanting Casey to realize just how much he liked the feeling of those strong hands on his shoulders, keeping him steady.

They were standing waist deep in the cold lake, water slowly trickling down Casey's torso and Chuck felt his eyes travelling south… He was interrupted by the feel of Casey's hand lifting his chin so that they could make eye contact.

"Your life is a tutorial, Chuck, and you have to be prepared to defend yourself. I'm not going to be able to protect you all the time…" Casey tried to sound somewhat stern but failed miserably as concern colored his voice. He cleared his throat and looked at Chuck.

"Obviously I failed when you needed me the most."

Chuck tried to understand what he was talking about. His mind raced.

"What are you talking about? Do you mean Marcus? There´s no way you could've stopped that, Casey! Ok? Don't blame yourself!"

"I'm not… I'm not talking about Marcus. I'm talking about… after. I should've been there for you Chuck."

Chuck stood in the water, stunned. Did Casey actually care for him? Maybe he hadn't imagined things after all…

"Wait a minute. You said that you thought I was dead. How do you know about… what I've been through?" Chuck couldn't put the pieces together, it didn't fit…

"You know that I told you that I thought you were dead, right? I was presented with a video of you…"

"…of youtrying to commit suicide. And you know what Chuck?"

Casey paused, rubbing his eyes, whispering…

"It hurt… It hurt hearing you scream, and for some reason, screaming my name."

"…Casey! I'm sorry you had to see that, but I didn't die. They fixed me and then I tricked the psychiatrists so I could get out and now I'm here so…" He'd gone in to the traditional Bartowski rambling mode.

Casey's eyes were hard as steel.

"You what?"

"I what, what?" Chuck was at a lost.

"You tricked the psychiatrists? So you're still suicidal?"

Leave it to Casey to cut to the chase…

"No, Casey I'm not. At least not now. Could we get out of the water, please? I'm really cold…"

Casey took a step closer to Chuck. They were standing mere inches apart as Casey took his hand and placed it on Chuck's chest, right over his heart. The touch travelled through Chuck's body as though he'd been touched by electricity.

"I don't care that you're not 'stable' Chuck, I just care that you are here… with me."

They stared at each other for a long moment until Casey broke eye contact.

"Come on, let's get you dried off."

With that Casey strode out of the water towards the house with a very surprised Chuck walking behind him.

They went into the house and both of them put bathrobes on, before settling in front of the fire. In just a few minutes they were sitting on the floor of the living room, just relaxing.

Casey had a glass of bourbon in his hand and was leaned back against the couch, relaxing and actually enjoying the company of NSA agent to be, Chuck Bartowski.

Contrary to what other people thought, Casey liked this new version of Chuck. He was able to defend himself, quite well, and handle weapons and most importantly… he could be quiet…

Not to mention the body of new Chuck… He cast a sideways glance when Chuck was looking around the room. If Casey had feelings towards Chuck before, it was nothing compared to the physical attraction he now felt. He'd been given a second chance to act on his instincts, to touch his former asset in ways that was outlawed in several countries. Casey's mind wandered, imagining all sorts of things that he wanted to try, only to be interrupted by Chuck.

"It's nice here Casey. Homey." Chuck smiled, closed his eyes and leaned back, touching Casey's shoulder. Casey huffed, a friendly sort of huff, and took a sip of his drink, his mind wandering once again.

Chuck threaded his fingers through the fur of the sheepskin they were sitting on as he carefully let his eyes wonder over Casey's body.

The NSA agent was well muscled, not as well defined as Chuck, but still hard and toned with the occasional scar across his chest. Chuck could see the reflections from the fire dancing on Casey's glistening torso and had to fight to keep himself from licking his lips. He could also see the scars on Casey's back and neck that shone bright red after their swim, but somehow that just added to the sexiness of John Casey. In the state of mind Chuck was in, Casey would've been considered sexy wearing a potato sack…

"Like what you see, Bartowski?" Casey hadn't opened his eyes, a small smile played in the corner of his mouth.

Chuck jumped, immediately turning bright red.

"What? Oh, no I wasn't, I mean, not that you're not, you know... wow!, you are, but, it's just… I'm rambling again aren't I?"

"Yes, you are. Just keep quiet and enjoy the silence. And your drink, you haven't even touched it." Casey couldn't help but laugh quietly. Chuck looked like cooked crab, all red and flushed.

Chuck swallowed, looking at Casey as the agent downed some of the bourbon, not making a face, just a content smile when the drink hit his throat.

The younger man picked up his glass, smelled it and felt a shiver pass through his body, but not the good kind of shiver. It smelled awful.

"What the hell, I'll give it a try." He gave himself at mental cheer of encouragement, before he took a big sip and then it hit him. He understood why Casey loved his bourbon…

It burned.

It burned away all his stress and aches, he was only able to focus on the fire in his throat.

It felt wonderful.

He noticed Casey watching him, intently.

"You see?"

"Mmm, absolutely… But doesn't this mean that just really troubled people, meaning you and me, enjoy bourbon?"

Casey held up his glass in a toast.

"Hear, hear"

They sat on the floor for about an hour or two, not talking, just enjoying the silence and the burn of the bourbon.

Casey took it slow, knowing very well just how a few too many of that drink could knock a man out. Chuck on the other hand… He'd drunk half a bottle, loving the burn, wondering why he hadn't tried it before. There's no way he was going back to cheap beer or colored drinks.

After a while, Chuck slumped on the floor, feeling very relaxed and trouble free.

"… Casey, I love it here, let's never leave… please?" Casey didn't answer him, he just let one of his rare laughs find its way out.

"… see, that's what I mean. You're gorgeous when you laugh, Casey… you know?" Chuck's inner censorship had clocked out and somewhere in his drunken haze, Chuck knew but didn't care. It felt too good not to care.

"And you're obviously very flamboyant when you're drunk"

"Am not!"

"Yes. You. Are." Casey pronounced every syllable with emphasis, finding the situation hilarious.

Chuck decided that the best cause of action was to climb onto the couch, almost landing on top of Casey, smacking him gently on head.

"Watch it Bartowski… " Casey growled at him, a fact that Chuck chose to ignore.

"I'm not scared of you, Mr. Big Man, I'm an agent. Soon I can fight! Come on!"

When Casey chose to ignore him, Chuck smacked him again, harder.

Before he could react, Chuck felt himself being flung through the air before he ungracefully landed on his back in front of Casey, with the older man's hand on his throat. Casey leaned in close, almost resting his torso against Chuck's.

"This what you wanted, Chuck? Huh?" Casey felt himself slur, the alcohol doing its job. It felt nice.

"… Casey, please…" Chuck whispered.

Casey leaned in to try and hear what he said.

"Please what, Bartowski?"

"…"

"What?!"

"… please… kiss me…"

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End file.
